May 2012
6 posts
3 tags
3 tags
Supermarket Terror…
Every time it happens. Almost without fail. The terror at the checkout.
Opening the plastic bags. I just can’t do it. Not quickly enough anyway.
I can’t find the edge. I can’t rub in the right way so as to make the edge magically unfurl. Too dry. Should I lick my fingers first? I’ve seen people do that. My hands are mucky though.
Always.
I can’t perform under pressure. No matter how zen I try...
Ow(l)!
Remember, there are arseholes in all walks of life.
April 2012
14 posts
1 tag
3 tags
Is Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?
….He’s not even the best drummer in the Beatles.
John Lennon said that.
Sarky 4 eyed cunt.
Well, you’re brown bread mate and Bingo ended up doing Thomas The Tank Engine.
So fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you.
3 tags
5 tags
4 tags
Jail is no longer a deterrent..
Or that’s what they say. They say that prison these days is like a holiday camp. It’s like Butlins.
Butlins!
Fuck me. That’s the biggest deterrent I’ve ever heard of in my life! I’d much rather be fighting for my life (arse) every night like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption than getting glassed at a racist disco after seeing Joe Pasquale do stand-up in some coastal Butlins red-coat pee pee...
2 tags
5 tags
“I love this city man but this city’s killing me
Sitting here in all this...”
3 tags
“Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s...”
– H.J.
4 tags
3 tags
Worst Picture Ever…
The web is a mad place. Ain’t no denying. I’ve seen some mad shit over the length of my internet browsing career.
I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time… like tears in rain…
Alright I’ve not seen that. Nothing as cosmically freaky. I’ve...
3 tags
March 2012
5 posts
pencilpaperandimagination asked: can i have your email address
“I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but...”
– Patrick.
3 tags
February 2012
5 posts
'Classic Post' - Brain Fireworks™
Before the internet. Before iPods. Before Happy Slapping. Before the 10 min freeview on Sky. You had to make your own excitement.
This was mine.
Self -inflicted Brain Fireworks™.
If you closed your eyes and pressed your head into the pillow really hard or into the crook of your arm – you got to see a kaleidoscope of retina bursting stars and blasts of colour.
Super lo-fi 1st generation games...
“They have the Internet on computers now?”
January 2012
17 posts
“Ok, Brand. Michael Jackson didn’t come over to my house to use the bathroom. But...”
– Chunk.
'Classic Post' - I got Ebola from a 99p Shop…
My life changed this weekend. For both the better and the worse.
I went to a 99p shop.
They are fucking AMAZING. I could have stayed all day. Bathed in the bargains.
It’s a real discount goods nirvana.
Lots of poor people. A load of mad Euro branded consumables. Lots of biscuits. Burgers in tins. Finklebrau.
I spent £6.93. This haul was made up of:
2 x ceramic pie dishes
Loads of chewy
Jar...
You shouldn’t punch someone who wears glasses...
Wow you’re trendy! You cool people who wear glasses even though you don’t need to. For fashion reasons.
Even though you can see perfectly without the aid of bins.
Why do the visually impaired get their look co-opted by these hip young folk? Why don’t other physical imperfections get reclaimed in a chic or ironic way?
Why don’t people wear hearing aids?
Or Polio caliper leg braces?
Or...
'Classic Post' - How many bags of crisps have you...
It’s not a question you often hear asked. It’s a good one though. Not ‘how many bags of crisps CAN you eat in one lunch break’. It’s not an eating challenge like the ones you get in America.
Gluttonous Yanks chowing down lard-ass style on a steak the size of a leather holdall full of mud.
This isn’t someone trying to show off.
More, ‘how many bags of crisps have you eaten, casually’? Not trying...
“The little things they make me so happy
All I want to do is live by the sea
...”
– (Its Good) To Be Free
3 tags
December 2011
1 post
November 2011
11 posts
'Classic Post' - Officially The Best Actor in the...
Who is the best actor in the world?
Some say De Niro. Some Pacino. Some might even have said Corey Haim (R.I.Pizzle)
It’s none of these luminaries.
The greatest thespian plying his trade today without a doubt is….
Jim Robinson from Neighbours.
It’s mental. He’s everywhere. He’s been in virtually all of the big telly drama’s of the last 10 years.
Even without his sterling work in...