When Routine Bites Hard

There ain’t nothing wrong…with a little bump and...

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 09:06:27 -0500

There ain’t nothing wrong…with a little bump and grind…

Smells like the Eastside are in the house!

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 10:36:31 -0500

Smells like the Eastside are in the house!

"They have the Internet on computers now?"

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 05:27:27 -0500

“They have the Internet on computers now?”

The Greatest fight scene of all time.

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 10:08:31 -0500

The Greatest fight scene of all time.

"Ok, Brand. Michael Jackson didn’t come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did."

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 16:39:05 -0500

“Ok, Brand. Michael Jackson didn’t come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did.”

- Chunk.

'Classic Post' - I got Ebola from a 99p Shop…

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:41:06 -0500

My life changed this weekend. For both the better and the worse.

I went to a 99p shop.

They are fucking AMAZING. I could have stayed all day. Bathed in the bargains.

It’s a real discount goods nirvana.

Lots of poor people. A load of mad Euro branded consumables. Lots of biscuits. Burgers in tins. Finklebrau.

I spent £6.93. This haul was made up of:

2 x ceramic pie dishes
Loads of chewy
Jar of sundried tomatoes
Chocolate shaped like a bunny
Beechams sore throat lozenges
Beechams Hot Lemon & Honey flu remedy.

Eye opening.

Sadly this ‘Road to Damascus’ experience was a double edged sword.

The chocolate was nice, and the pie dishes didn’t explode but I think the Beechams products may have given me Ebola. Or Aids. Or dengue fever. Or at the very least Cholera.

I feel much deeper into the arena of the unwell after taking the Beechams drugs. I felt a bit ropey before taking them, but miles worse after taking them on board.

Good value for animal shaped snacks and ceramics. Bit of a false economy then when it comes to medicine.

Still, even for a debilitating disease, 99p is pretty cheap.

Swings and Roundabouts.

Hopefully my full price Lemsip will cure me like it cured Magic Johnson.

Cheers.

(UPDATE: This happened a few years ago now. I don’t have AIDS. I’m HIV positive about that. I do still like pound shops though. Amazing clientele & fantastic savings all under 1 roof.)

Fucking Equine Torpedo!

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 11:36:28 -0500

Fucking Equine Torpedo!

You shouldn’t punch someone who wears glasses apparently

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 16:36:05 -0500

Wow you’re trendy! You cool people who wear glasses even though you don’t need to. For fashion reasons.

Even though you can see perfectly without the aid of bins.

Why do the visually impaired get their look co-opted by these hip young folk? Why don’t other physical imperfections get reclaimed in a chic or ironic way?

Why don’t people wear hearing aids?

Or Polio caliper leg braces?

Or colostomy bags?

Or take to the streets in a wheelchair powered by sucking on a straw?

Because you’d look like an arsehole, that’s why.

You shouldn’t punch someone who wears glasses apparently. Surely that doesn’t apply to people who wear them but don’t need to. Just a thought.

When I was growing up I must have watched this about 800 times....

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:35:05 -0500

When I was growing up I must have watched this about 800 times. Not a second wasted. This is how I move when in total harmony with life.

Magic.

“What would I rather bee or a wasp?” “Oh, fuck...

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 16:35:05 -0500

“What would I rather bee or a wasp?”

“Oh, fuck off”

'Classic Post' - How many bags of crisps have you eaten in one lunch break?

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 16:35:05 -0500

It’s not a question you often hear asked. It’s a good one though. Not ‘how many bags of crisps CAN you eat in one lunch break’. It’s not an eating challenge like the ones you get in America.

Gluttonous Yanks chowing down lard-ass style on a steak the size of a leather holdall full of mud.

This isn’t someone trying to show off.

More, ‘how many bags of crisps have you eaten, casually’? Not trying to set a record. Just snacking whilst watching telly. Consumption by proxy. Idle overindulgence. Mindless grazing.

One moment you’ve popped open a quick bag of Walkers whilst checking out Bargain Hunt. Next thing, you look back at your lap and see the detritus. The colourful plastic corpses of your fried potato foe. A massacre.

Not many people have an answer. Not many people keep count. Not many people give a toss.

However, I can recall a feat of remorseless eating that does answer this question. A show of power dining so brutal and sneaky that it demands awe.

My Mum ate 7 bags of Hula Hoops in her lunch break. 7 (seven). Alongside her sandwich, and possibly a few chocolate chip cookies.

She claims she didn’t even know it was happening. An out of body experience.

7 whole bags of ready salted Hula Hoops. Jesus, the salt alone must have been an ordeal.

She only gets about 30mins for her lunch as well. Incredible drive.

The only reason this was ever uncovered was because I caught her. With the aid of our dog. I came home to find my Mum in the front room. Sat in a strange ‘oh I really am engrossed in the telly’ way. Bolt upright. False. Hiding something. Clearly caught off guard by my arrival.

Then I saw it. The tip off. Kaylee (our mostly stupid mongrel Lab hoover bag pooch) was desperately trying to stick her fat head down the side of the sofa, where my Mum was strangely sat – knee jammed against the upholstery. Maureen was trying desperately to stop her getting at something.

What on earth could it be?

I’ll tell you what it bloody was. 7 empty bags of crisps. Frantically stuffed between her leg and the side of the sofa when she heard me coming through the door.

She can’t have been in that much of a trance, not knowing what she was doing with her crisp carnage, if she could get her wits about her to attempt to hide the evidence.

Sneaky Mum.

Sneaky piggy.

Clever doggy.

Lesson learnt. If you’re going to smash an entire box of Ferrero Rocher down in one sitting or a tube of Pringles in 3 mins (both of which my Mum has previous with), then for gods sake lock the door and put the Dog in the kitchen behind her gate.

Then you can eat like a messy Viking, safe in the knowledge your insatiable food lust is your sneaky little lunchtime secret.

And yours alone.

"The little things they make me so happy All I want to do is live by the sea The little things they..."

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 17:30:05 -0500

“

The little things they make me so happy

All I want to do is live by the sea

The little things they make me so happy

Its good, yes its good, its good to be free

”

- (Its Good) To Be Free

“Because I am suave, you can suck it, I’ll ski on...

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 05:37:00 -0500

“Because I am suave, you can suck it, I’ll ski on your lunch if I want. ”
“I need lot’s gadgets cos I carry a shit gun…”
“I tell them I love them, then I fuck off back to London - on my JETPACK!”

James Bond really is a proper arsehole. Lovely.

I bet he feels stupid for wasting all that time in a kids...

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 16:38:06 -0500

I bet he feels stupid for wasting all that time in a kids playground instead of putting those hours into completing Batman Arkham Asylum like I did.

I bet he has NO idea how to get some of the riddler trophies in the Industrial District.

What a loser.

I know a CRACKING Owl sanctuary. This owl looks suspiciously...

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 15:05:05 -0500

I know a CRACKING Owl sanctuary.

This owl looks suspiciously like I feel when getting my hair washed before a haircut.

You know when they knead your head slowly.

I call it a ‘head wank’. What a charming but accurate phrase.

Jesus that looks uncomfortable....

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 13:04:05 -0500

Jesus that looks uncomfortable. hahahahahhaahahhaah.

Hilarious.

He makes me angry and confused, but he is also dominant with his...

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 10:00:06 -0500

He makes me angry and confused, but he is also dominant with his ‘thumbs exposed’ body language so you can’t be too annoyed at him.

He/She/It fucking loves that. Lazy bastard wants to get back to...

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 16:56:05 -0500

He/She/It fucking loves that.

Lazy bastard wants to get back to copulating instead of farting about.

I always knew Cats were 2 faced shits. Now finally I can rest my...

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 11:00:06 -0500

I always knew Cats were 2 faced shits. Now finally I can rest my case.

Hollywood Jimmy Hill.

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 17:14:05 -0500

Hollywood Jimmy Hill.