When Routine Bites Hard

Mad thing about this photo is, it’s an open goal - and...

Tue, 29 May 2012 09:55:09 -0400

Mad thing about this photo is, it’s an open goal - and he’s fucking putting that wide!

Eat it…Or you can’t have your toffee drink.

Mon, 28 May 2012 15:54:34 -0400

Eat it…Or you can’t have your toffee drink.

Supermarket Terror…

Sat, 26 May 2012 10:56:27 -0400

Every time it happens. Almost without fail. The terror at the checkout.

Opening the plastic bags. I just can’t do it. Not quickly enough anyway.

I can’t find the edge. I can’t rub in the right way so as to make the edge magically unfurl. Too dry. Should I lick my fingers first? I’ve seen people do that. My hands are mucky though.

Always.

I can’t perform under pressure. No matter how zen I try and remain, I panic. It builds and pulses through the veins and the sinew. Time slows down. Speeds up again.

Sausage fingers grasping for the plastic, disabled digits fumbling like a spastic.

Will there be any respite? Will something exotic like dragon fruit confuse the checkout worker long enough to slow down the flow of groceries and give me enough time to open the FUCKING PLAGGY BAG.

Will the little bloke help me pack the bags? They sometimes do don’t they. Mostly they don’t though.

Will they be one of the lovely ones who grab a couple of bags and open them for you? Because they know you’re one of those who will struggle. Through pity they help. Through pity you are saved.

Some of them have a little wet sponge thing under their counter which they use to aid them slide their nimble expert fingers into the almost imperceptible slit. Dirty professional deviants.

The sexual metaphors arise in my head as I struggle to get my fingers in. They’re too dry. I’m too dry. I lick my filthy fingers. I should spit on the bag like people in mucky videos spit on other openings.

They’re flinging my groceries down the belt too fucking fast. People are watching. Waiting. Judging. They’ve all figured me out. I’m a fraud. I have no business here. Stick to internet shopping. No-one to judge me then. I’m not up to it. This pressure. Motor neurone skills.

Now he wants paying! Wants to know if I have a club-card. I haven’t got the twatting bag open yet. Gimme a break. You terrible cunt.

Next time I am taking my own suitcase and I will just lob all my Eggs, Sink Unblocker and packets of Ainsley Harriott Cous Cous in there. No bags. Victory will be mine.

Also, if I carry a suitcase with me everywhere, people will think I’m a globe-trotter Michael Palin character.

Or a lunatic. Either is better than taking on my mortal nemesis. The closed plastic bag.

The git.

Ow(l)!

Thu, 10 May 2012 14:26:48 -0400

Remember, there are arseholes in all walks of life.

A real Superhero.

Wed, 02 May 2012 12:53:57 -0400

A real Superhero.

Perv Pooch.

Tue, 01 May 2012 19:02:24 -0400

Perv Pooch.

Merry Xmas…from Norfolk. xxx

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 17:01:53 -0400

Merry Xmas…from Norfolk. xxx

Is Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 10:02:44 -0400

….He’s not even the best drummer in the Beatles.

John Lennon said that.

Sarky 4 eyed cunt.

Well, you’re brown bread mate and Bingo ended up doing Thomas The Tank Engine.

So fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you.

Sopranos. It just doesn’t get any better. Sorry Wire....

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 16:02:45 -0400

Sopranos. It just doesn’t get any better. Sorry Wire. It’s the truth. Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.

Before the 10 minute freeview or the internet’s mucky...

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 18:02:42 -0400

Before the 10 minute freeview or the internet’s mucky avenues…this was top level entertainment.

Tell me you’ve seen something better than this. Try it....

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 18:05:29 -0400

Tell me you’ve seen something better than this. Try it. See what happens.

Jail is no longer a deterrent..

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 16:07:24 -0400

Or that’s what they say. They say that prison these days is like a holiday camp. It’s like Butlins.

Butlins!

Fuck me. That’s the biggest deterrent I’ve ever heard of in my life! I’d much rather be fighting for my life (arse) every night like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption than getting glassed at a racist disco after seeing Joe Pasquale do stand-up in some coastal Butlins red-coat pee pee soaked heckhole.

I’m going on the straight and narrow.

Mind you I already am.

I wouldn’t last 5 minutes in pokey. My arse would be passed around prison like a bag of sweets.

Pick n Mix.

Texas Chainsaw Pancake Day

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 08:30:15 -0400

Texas Chainsaw Pancake Day

Disnanal. The votes are in. Looks like it’s the back...

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 22:01:15 -0400

Disnanal. The votes are in. Looks like it’s the back door.

"I love this city man but this city’s killing me Sitting here in all this noise man i..."

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 10:00:14 -0400

“

I love this city man but this city’s killing me
Sitting here in all this noise man i don’t get no peace
The cars below my street take me away piece by piece
Gonna leave everything i know gonna head out towards the sea
Gonna leave this city man, gonna head out towards the sea

I love this island but this island’s killing me
Sitting here in silence, man i don’t get no peace
The waves upon my shore take me away piece by piece
Gonna leave everything i know gonna head out towards the sea
Jump off this island gonna head out towards the sea

”

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should..."

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 21:00:28 -0400

“Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.”

- H.J.

Don’t laugh at them. Don’t care how good they get at...

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 20:02:17 -0400

Don’t laugh at them. Don’t care how good they get at mime. They’re still vermin.

Their cycles synced but could they keep Bears away?

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 17:02:39 -0400

Their cycles synced but could they keep Bears away?

Worst Picture Ever…

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 06:54:20 -0400

The web is a mad place. Ain’t no denying. I’ve seen some mad shit over the length of my internet browsing career.

I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time… like tears in rain…

Alright I’ve not seen that. Nothing as cosmically freaky. I’ve seen other things instead. Naughty things. Terrifying things. Things so striking that I’ve yet to shift them from the dark regions of my mind.

Near unspeakable imagery.

I watched a soldier have his head cut off with a knife in some strange snuff movie that was doing the rounds years ago. That wasn’t as jovial as you might imagine. It was actually a bit mean.

That made me feel really sick for ages. Not ‘blowing chunks’ sick. Just sick to the core. Rotten. Stained. Poisoned.

Yeah that wasn’t very nice.

The other image that is seared into my brain networks is essentially harmless. No-one dies. It’s consenting adults. It’s just people showing affection. No extreme surgery or extraordinary feats of human bodily abuse. On paper it doesn’t sound much.

However in reality it’s extraordinary.

It’s a little near the knuckle. Well, fuck it’s more than near the knuckle. It’s getting up past the wrist metaphorically speaking. Elbow-bound.

It pushes envelopes alright. It’s going to be too much for most of you to take. I don’t blame you. It still hangs about in the shadows of my brain day and night. Lurking. When I’m thinking of something pleasant like a friendly wasp or a funny tortoise, it shoulder barges that fucker out of the way and sits squarely in my minds eye. Agitating.

It’s a right proper bastard I’m telling you.

It used to be linked to a site called lemonparty.org. I’m guessing it still is, but I’m reluctant to go and check. I’ll leave that up to you.

Freewill.

If you do go and find this picture. This picture of some lovely grey haired old boys. You might want to take along a friend. You might fancy taking it on alone. Just remember, once you’ve looked, your life will never be the same again.

Honest.

Let me know how you get on.

All the georgey…

They’re not under-age in Dog Years. You’re not a...

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 10:00:05 -0400

They’re not under-age in Dog Years. You’re not a pervert.